Abyss

A good friend died today.

The strange thing about death is that it always feels so unnatural --

it's as though a deeper part of us understands existence in a sense that's contrary to reality.  

People can't just end. 

Everything ends around here, though. We all know it.  

Yeah . . . we all know it, and we all know it sucks.

Sure, you can stare into the abyss until it doesn't scare you anymore.  I did.  

But getting rid of fear only takes you so far.

Loss is inevitable.

Learn more about Laura Converse

Rotten Tower

No words today.  They taste rotten in my mouth.

"Rotten Tower"
Excerpt from my sketchbook
Approx. 9" x 5"

Learn more about Laura Converse here.

The Rift

the birds are the keepers of our secrets.

remember, it was bigger once. 

they know what once you touched.

and you, you were stronger.

can you even smell it now? it's so far.

you don't even remember, do you?

so far, the memory has gone.  did it ever exist to begin with?

sometimes the weak places in space and time crack open.

it's like a dream, a fragment that seems to have been imagined.

the crack spreads, and light shines through.  do you see it?

try, though.  try to remember!  there was more; you were stronger, and you knew something bigger.

there's another side, an ancient one. 

something on the other side.

look into the rift, and remember.

there's more beyond. remember.

Real Portrait #1

If you read my previous entry, you know that I'm embarking on a new (and scary) project. The first installation is a portrait of Allie P.

I found myself getting a lot more into the details and being much more critical of my work on this picture than I have been in past similar works.  It really changes things when you know the person you're drawing is actually going to see the picture.

That being said, I'd better bite the bullet and actually upload the photo.  Eeeeeeeeeeeugh...

Ok.  Pushing the button.

My assessment:  it looks sort of like Allie.  The face shape and size of the features are correct.  I think I misjudged the shape of the bridge of her nose, and the left eye (ack, i hate to draw attention to this) is bugging out a bit in my drawing. The biggest discrepancy, I think, is in the area around the mouth.  I found myself struggling to create shadows that accurately depicted the curve of skin.

That being said, Allie, thank you for being brave and letting me draw you! Now who will be next...

Anonymous

I'm going to try to make the jump from anonymous faces to faces of people I know for a little bit.

There are two main reasons I've drawn faces of people who may or may not exist.

The first is that it's not about recognizing the person.  It's about the expression and the light.
Light is a big deal to me.  I don't usually think about the object I'm drawing - instead I think about the way a shadow is shaped, or the transition light makes from one point to another.

The second is that if no one knows I was drawing them, I can't piss them off.  What if I draw the nose too long, or the cheeks chubby, or the person had a zit and I draw it anyway?

I'm ok with offending people in general indirectly.

But offending a specific someone: not so much.

So.  I indulged myself in one more anonymous portrait.

In the next couple weeks, if we have any of the same friends, you might see one of them show up... or something that looks sorta like a deranged version of them.  If you're interested in volunteering for this dangerous mission of letting me draw your face, let me know.

See other oil pastel portraits.
Learn more about Laura Converse here.

Safer in the Dark

It's safer in the dark.

Fake skin made of smooth flawless steel

won't protect anything.

This is all it is;

melty rubber

or the inside of a grape.

Grey and slimy:

it will dissolve.

The sharp cold knows what's really there--

the shriveled seed would crack under its light.

It's safer in the dark.

OhWellOhWell

I'm setting up a new show this week. 

I went on an expedition to buy frames for 19 pieces I'm wanting to display, but even the cheapest frames would put me out over $400, so I gave up and went home.

Oh well oh well oh well.

Here's a drawing I made last night.

Learn more about Laura Converse here, or find some more oil pastel portraits here.

The DO IT Zone

Sometimes I make designs, and then I do nothing with them.  This is a habit I want to change.

I've come up with this magical process lately. This is what my process used to look like:

1) I have an idea

2) I decide to either write it down on some scrap of paper that gets thrown out, or I decide to try and remember it and then I don't

3) The idea is gone, but maybe I'll think of it again some day and repeat this process.

And THIS is the new, magical process.

1) I have an idea

2) I figure out some way the idea can actually be implemented

3) I do the first step in that process

4) I write it down on a piece of paper and put it in a "DON'T FREAKING THROW THIS AWAY" box by my desk

5) I go through the box every once in a while and repeat the process, only throwing things away once the idea has run its course (i.e. moves from concept to reality)

Genius, right?  Well... assuming I actually do it.  Which I will.

Take this design, for instance.  I made it, which was the first step.  And now it just exists, and is doing nothing.  The NEXT first step would be to get some input:  what would YOU do with this design?

I'm thinking it might do well on a t-shirt.  

Any ideas?  If they're good, I guarantee they will make it into my "DON'T FREAKING THROW THIS AWAY" box.

Some Things Go Away

It's a bit of a melancholy evening.  The snow is getting pummeled away by the rain, which looks pretty in its own way. It's a little sad, too.

snowfern

Gnawing at the bones

There are several reasons I didn't post this picture earlier.  The first is that it turned out a little more macabre than I initially intended.

At first, as I drizzled the wax over my paper, sprinkled in pigment powder, and started messing around with the heat gun, I thought I had ruined a perfectly decent drawing.  

I tried to think about what the wax would look like once it hardened, as opposed to what it looked like at the time. 

I messed around for a while, and then I left the stupid thing and went on a walk.  

That brings me to the second reason it took me a while to post this picture:

I forgot about it.

Then, when I discovered it sitting on my desk, it kind of freaked me out because I hadn't seen the finished version, and I was shocked to discover that the wax actually did the same thing it did in my mental simulation.

"Gnawing at the Bones"
8" x 8"
Pen, wax, and pigment on vellum

Learn more about Laura Converse here.

Stranger on a Bus

Have you ever had a total stranger ask you to hold their baby for them?  That happened to me today.

It was cold today.

This morning, at around 6:45, I saw a homeless man limp past our house.  I think he had been walking all night to keep himself warm.  He had what at first I thought was a puppy or kitten clutched to his chest, but I'm pretty sure it was actually just a wad of newspaper.

It was almost cold enough that I could feel my eyeballs changing size inside my head.  Ever felt that?  It's not exactly comfortable.

A lady sat on the bus with three crying and shivering kids, their cheeks red and noses wet and scarves trailing in the snow behind them.  Her son had his shoes on the wrong feet, and snow had gotten in them. She wanted to help, but couldn't do anything about it with the baby all bundled up in her arms.

Apparently, I was the most benign-looking person on the bus. Which, I think, really says something about the people who ride the bus.  Not that I'm a creeper . . . but I think dark and cold might be words people would use to describe a first impression of me.

I missed my stop holding her baby, but I couldn't bring myself to stop her helping out her poor little miserable kid.

I had a considerable distance to walk when I finally got off the bus, and my face almost fell off when I finally got inside.

My pastel series continues.  It took me several days to decide I didn't hate this drawing.
Don't tell it I said that.

Learn more about Laura Converse here, or find some more oil pastel portraits here.

Under Giant Trees

Sleep provides a much needed breaking-point in time.  It lets days be days.  

Without that definitive mark of sleep between days, time kind of turns into an arbitrary mush.  

Funny -- time, sleep -- and all the little things we do to keep our established constructs going. 

I was tired when I got off work today.  It's kind of as though yesterday never ended.  

I think I ask a lot of my brain, and so sometimes it speaks up and asks me to do it a favor in return.  Like hiding from the world, or painting, or walking far...

...Far enough that my tracks are gone by the time I turn back.

Under Giant Trees

Chain.

There is too much.

There is always too much.

Maybe I should write a post about something small, something here.

Like the lumps on the wall,

or the creak of the wind on the door.

Or a chain. It looks alive, twisting and writhing against the tension when the little dock undulates.

If my mind were a chain, words would be a broken link.  

You can't do much with a broken chain, except maybe hold your drawings down so they don't blow away in the wind.

Construct

Touching the tip of a red pencil to a white page is like a string breaking.  

The ends shrivel and curl. 

I'm typing blindly with my forehead against my desk, feeling every key stroke punching a hole through a glass membrane like a little bullet of condensed sound.  When my head is so full, it feels good.

It's like getting drenched in the frozen rain or climbing through the tall tangly arms of blackberry thorns. 

It's like drawing something you love, then hate, then love again. 

The first mark on the page is everything.  It's as though time is going backwards.  It's as though, once, a long time ago, I took all the pigment from the paper up into the pencil, and the end was really what we think of as the beginning.

"Organic Form - Sharpener"
3" x 5"
Red Pencil on Paper

Like my Organic Form drawings?  Find more of them.

Sunwater

Today has been one of those in which I'm utterly overwhelmed by how much I want to accomplish.  Life is way too full sometimes.  

Instead of sharing art work tonight, I've got a photo.  I have several pieces in the making but I'm going to wait to share them until they are complete.

"Sunwater"

I like to look at water when I'm overwhelmed.  Not that it's simple, but its fluid complexity calms me down - the way it moves, the lines and reflections it creates, the sounds it makes.   Sometimes I just turn on the faucet and look at the water and let it trickle over my hands.  Don't tell the environmentalists.

When it Rains, it Pours

Blue Portrait - Old Man
9" x 12"
Oil Pastel on Black Paper

I'm really happy about how this picture turned out.  So happy, in fact, that I couldn't wait until tomorrow to post it.

See other oil pastel portraits.

Sick and Busy

I'm really bad at doing nothing.

I decided this morning that today I would try to recover from being sick, and the first thing I do is build a checklist of everything I need to accomplish over the next 10 hours.  It's pretty extensive.

I suck at chilling out.  

But I'll think about that later when I have less to do . . . maybe during the random instances when I get too nauseated to move. 

This is probably my favorite of the oil pastel drawings I've done so far.  

Untitled
9" x 12"
Oil Pastel on Black Paper

Poorly Planned Juxtaposition

Still practicing capturing expressions.  I might not take a break from this medium until my black sketchbook is entirely used up.  But you never know. 

The thing that works well about it at this phase of my life is that it takes no set up and makes minimal mess.  Painting, on the other hand, is super high maintenance, which is why I haven't had paintings to share in a while.  I do, however, plan to start at least one this weekend.

I got sick today, which was lame.  Trying to un-sickify by drinking massive quantities of tea.  

My present illness has nothing to do with the fact that I drew a green face, however.  That's just a funny and poorly planned juxtaposition.

Hope you enjoy.

"Green Portrait"
9" x 12"
Oil Pastels on Black Paper

Metal Lilly

"Organic Form - Metal Lilly"
3" x 5"
Red Pencil on Paper

Like my Organic Form drawings?  Find more of them.

Oil Pastel, Dark Paper

I'm really enjoying working with pastels on dark paper lately, particularly with shadowy faces as my subject.    You'll be seeing more of these.  Hope you're not getting bored of them, because I'm certainly not.

"Into Flame"
9" x 12"
Oil Pastel on Paper

Learn more about Laura Converse here.

Fifty-Two

Today feels like an old day, even though it hasn't happened before.

I wonder if there is a library of days, like a big deck of cards that get shuffled and dealt at random.

"There is nothing new under the sun."

-- Quoheleth  

"Girl in Purple - Waiting"
9" x 12"
Oil Pastel on Black Paper

Decay and Tangle

The queue is huge, and my brain is small.

Stopping is not an option.

***

Sometimes, I draw without knowing what will come out from the end of my pen.  Usually this results in one of my organic form drawings, which continue to become more elaborate.  I don't draw these out with pencil beforehand, so mistakes become integrated into the drawing as a whole, and cease to be considered mistakes.  

"Organic Form - Decay and Tangle"
8" x 8"
Pen on Vellum

  

Like my Organic Form drawings?  Find more of them.

Not Good Enough

What if it didn't matter if you were good enough?

I'm not.

And it doesn't.

"The Girl at the Window"
9" x 12"
Oil Pastel on Black Paper

Keeping My Feet on the Ground

It doesn't matter how busy I am.  I have to find time to draw--or I will begin losing my ability to comprehend language,

or to put my clothes on right side out, 

or to to say time right at word the right the at...

or something.

This is turning out to be a particularly busy week,  

so I'm drawing, every second I can.

"Organic Form - Double Loop"
3" x 5"
Blue Pencil on Paper

Like my Organic Form drawings?  Find more of them.

Time will Tell

There's discretion.

and then there's deception.

On the other side, there's transparency,

and then there's vulnerability,

followed by naivety,

followed by recklessness,

followed by destruction.

With that in mind, it's so much easier to pretend.

But there's a catch.  No matter how much we pretend,

what we've done will show itself in the end.

And what then?

"Undo Me"
14" x 17"
Charcoal and Chalk on Paper

Poor Navigation

Maybe this is a crude judgement call on humanity, but I don't think our resolutions are very resolute. We like the illusion of being able to fix ourselves, but we never can. 

Maybe I should say I never can.  (but really--can you?)

Just because the year is new doesn't mean who we've been doesn't follow us around.

I wish sometimes I could shed my old skin, be blank, start over.

Things just aren't that simple.

"HalfLife"
9" x 12"
Oil Pastel on Black Paper